Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Little Johnny Jokes

Teacher : Little Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile"?

Little Johnny : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

Teacher : No, that's wrong

Little Johnny : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!



At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny;

"Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."



Teacher : Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny : I is...

Teacher : No, Little Johnny. Always say, "I am."

Little Johnny : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."



Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

"Mommy, can little girls have babies?" 

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"



Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."



Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny.

She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"

You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, 

"I don't need to, They've already been named."



"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said.

"Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"What good would that have done?"  Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much better than yours."



A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"



Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?

Johnny: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?

Johnny: We borrow it from our neighbor.



Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?

Johnny: I don't know.

Teacher: They're called Turks, now what are the people of Germany called?

Johnny: They are called Germs.



Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. 

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that? "

Little Johnny said, "No, Actually, we went to Ohio."



A Little Johnny wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


Little Johnny was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: 

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Stories that inspired me

What all you can do ?

One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big advice on the door on which it was written:

“Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away..We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared the gym”.

In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.

The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room..The more people reached the coffin, the more excitement heated up. 

Everyone thought:.“Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!”.

One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless..They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul..

There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.

There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:

“There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: It is YOU.

You are the only person who can revolutionize your life.

You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success.

You are the only person who can help yourself.

Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parent change, when your partner changes, when your company changes..Your life changes when YOU change,

When you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that your are they only one responsible for your life..

“The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself”
Examine yourself, watch yourself..

Don’t be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: be a winner, build yourself and your reality.

The world is like a mirror: It gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.

The world and your reality are like mirrors lying in a coffin, which show to any individual 
the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success. It’s the way you face Life that makes the difference.



What is Success

A young man asked Socrates the secret of Success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met.

Socrates asked the young man to walk with him towards the river.

When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The man struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until he started turning blue.

The young man struggled hard and finally managed to get out and the first thing he did was to gasp and take deep breath. 

Socrates asked 'What you wanted the most when you were there?' 

The man replied 'Air'.

Socrates said 'that's the most secret to success. When you want success as badly as you wanted air, you will get it. There is no other secret'.



Confidence

The business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out.

Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.

Suddenly an old man appeared before him. "I can see that something is troubling you," he said. After listening to the executive's woes, the old man said, "I believe I can help you."

He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, "Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time." Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.

The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world!

"I can erase my money worries in an instant!" he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.

With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.

Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check. At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.

"I'm so glad I caught him!" she cried. "I hope he hasn't been bothering you. He's always escaping from the rest home and telling people he's John D. Rockefeller." And she led the old man away by the arm.

The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he'd been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him.

Suddenly, he realized that it wasn't the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his new found self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything



A Glass of Milk

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house.

However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. 

He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. 

"Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life.

From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all.

Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.

She read these words..... "Paid in full with one glass of milk"

(Signed)
Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed:

"Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts



The Rope

It is a story of a Mountain Climber who wants to climb the highest mountain. He begun his climbing after years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself he decided to climb the Mountain alone.

The night felt heavy in the heights of the mountain and the man could not see anything. All was black, zero visibility and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.

As he was climbing only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell into the air, falling at a great speed. The climber could only see black spots as he went down and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. He kept falling and in those moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life.

He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.

His body was hanging in the air, only the rope was holding him and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but to scream: HELP ME GOD!

All of a sudden a deep voice coming from the sky answered: what do you want me to do?

He said: Save me God!

God asked: Do you really think I can save you?

He Said: Of course I believe you can.

God said: Then cut the rope tied to your waist

There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.

The rescue team tells that the next day a climber was found dead and frozen his body

hanging from a rope. His hands holding tight to it – Only 10 feet away from the ground!



Peace of Mind

Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers. This was in the initial days. While they were traveling, they happened to pass a lake. They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples, “I am thirsty. Do get me some water from that lake there.”

The disciple walked up to the lake. When he reached it, he noticed that right at that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy, very turbid. The disciple thought, “How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink!” So he came back and told Buddha, “The water in there is very muddy. I don’t think it is fit to drink.”

After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake and get him some water to drink. The disciple obediently went back to the lake. This time he found that the lake had absolutely clear water in it. The mud had settled down and the water above it looked fit to be had. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha. Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said,

“See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be…. and the mud settled down on its own – and you got clear water. Your mind is also like that! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don’t have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless.”

What did Buddha emphasize here? He said, “It is effortless.” Having ‘Peace of Mind’ is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!

Have a peaceful Life !



Don't Worry.....

Years ago, I was enthralled as I listened to a pastor who for several years had faithfully served the church. His executive responsibilities had taken him all over this country. As he concluded his message, he told of one of the most frightening, yet thought-provoking, experiences of his life.

He had been on a long flight from one place to another. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: Fasten your seat belts. Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."

As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."

Then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.

The pastor confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.

Then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing to her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and every thing within her small world was calm and orderly. Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity,when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes.

It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark,our pastor lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time. Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.

The child replied, "'Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home."

There are many kinds of storms that buffet us:

• Physical,
• Mental,
• Financial,
• Domestic, and...

Many other storms can easily and quickly darken our skies and throw our plane into apparently uncontrollable movement. We have all known such times, and let us be honest and confess, it is much easier to be at rest when our feet are on the ground than when we are being tossed about a darkened sky.



God is always there with you . . .

Last night I had a dream.

It was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord. After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

 “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

 The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

God is always there with you and he is helping you every time




Be Optimistic . . .

Ek Gadha:- yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai.

Dusara Gadha:- to tu bhag kyu nahi jata.

Pehla Gadha:- Bhag to jata par yahan future bada bright hai ... malik ki khoobsurat beti jab shararat karti hai to malik kahta hai, "teri shadi gadhe se kar dunga...!" bas isi ummeed me baitha hoon .

Keeping Hopes may not improve your future, but it will certainly reduce the pain of Today !!



Effective Communications

What is Effective Communication ????

Jack and Max are walking from religious service.

Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?".

The Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation?



The Pencil Story

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. 

"There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replacing the place of the pencil with you. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in God's hand. And allow other human beings to access you for the many gifts you possess.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems in life, but you'll need it to become a stronger person.

Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's on the inside.

Five: On every surface you walk through, you must leave your mark. No matter what the situation, you must continue to do your duties.Allow this parable on the pencil to encourage you to know that you are a special person and only you can fulfill the purpose to which you were born to accomplish.

Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot make a change.



Eagle in a storm . . .

Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks?

The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it.

The eagle does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

When the storms of life come upon us - and all of us will experience them - we can rise above them by setting our minds and our belief toward God. The storms do not have to overcome us. We can allow God's power to lift us above them. God enables us to ride the winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure and disappointment in our lives. We can soar above the storm.

Remember, it is not the burdens of life that weigh us down, it is how we handle them.



Mountain Story . . .

A son and his father were walking on the mountains.Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"

He receives the answer: "Who are you?"

And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"

The voice answers: "I admire you!"

Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"

He receives the answer: "Coward!"

He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"

The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."

Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"

The voice answers: "You are a champion!"

The boy is surprised, but does not understand. Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do.Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

"YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!"



Two Frogs Story . . .

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might.

The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said,

"Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. 

The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.